13 September 2013

The Payback

Rather than hoarding all of my photos so I only have to go shopping once a month (God knows I frequent the thrift shops more often than that), I'm going to take you shopping with me this time around. Hopefully your internet connection is fast enough to handle all the photos I'm sending your way. If not, feel free to bitch about it in the comments.

I visited Shallowford Goodwill to find a few summery dresses with blue tags (50% off this week). I filled up an entire cart and hogged a dressing room for almost an hour, but rustled up 9 dresses, 2 purses, and a Disney Dinosaur mug for just over $50. Not a bad day in all.

This "dress" did not make the cut.

The rest of these photos are from a few days later, after I had recovered from the scowls from women inconvenienced by my extended stay in the dressing room. (Side note: There were 2 other women's dressing rooms in this shop kept locked until employees unlocked them. I won't feel guilty for others' reluctance to seek out an employee with a key.)

After an encounter with my armchair's doppelganger...

$20 at a different Goodwill, but it matches the decor here better.
...After some more memorable clothing missteps...

An AK-47 is a bitch to get through airport security and your sniper rifle is just another checked bag. Skip the $50 luggage fee and the wasted hours  in a holding cell and just bring your own guns in this baby pink muscle tee.

Pairs well with fried chicken.
Only Poo(h) can justify adult overalls.
  [After all that which came before]...I came across a strange collection:

It would be irresponsible to omit the holiday teapots.

Now, I collect salt and pepper shakers (still working out a way to display them, but I digress)...so I'm not here to judge. But I couldn't help but wonder what world event had caused someone to discard their cherished collection.

I considered making a Kim Jong-un joke, but my Google search pulled up recent news stories about the execution of his ex-girlfriend by firing squad for having some old sex tapes so I will have to pass on Plan A. Suffice to say, there are so many layers of wrong in that situation and it's well past time to break that monster's teapot.

Back to my lighter tone...why would someone abandon an entire teapot collection? I suppose a guy whose wife had run out on him or something equally reprehensible might demand the collection in the divorce and then promptly trash them. But I would think this hypothetical guy would be more apt to shatter the ceramic atrocities. So we'll scratch grass widower (thefreedictionary's male counterpart to divorcée) from the list.

My other thought was a person displeased with a relative's will. "My older brother gets the house, my little sister gets the Mercedes, and I get a &%*@# teapot collection!?" (Though, the house could very easily be a money pit and the car missing an engine block...or you could just be an asshole that your parents never loved as much as their other offspring.)

The third and most likely explanation for the teapots is that a lady just woke up one day and said to herself, "Myrtle, it's going to be a helluva a lot easier to fit a salt and pepper shaker collection in your nursing home room than all these teapots."

Teapots were just the gateway drug to other fantastic figurines.

It's time to start gathering your Christmas decorations and dusting off your Nativity set. But what if you open the dusty "XMAS" cardboard box to find Joseph's been decapitated over the last year? Why, visit your local thrift shop, of course!

And as any good Christian knows, no Nativity set is complete without a Hindu goddess. (I think this is Sita, but I'm not an authority so research it on your own.)

What do you think about the new addition, Melchior? Surely you've got something on your mind that you want to let out?

A wise guy, eh?
Hey, hey, hey. No need to be a dirty old man. There are kids around.

Those teapots are looking better and better. (Where would you put these stupid things? Why?)

But then again, kids inspire these crazy figurines because they are crazy little creatures. Check out the toys they're playing with these days:

Albino Birdo piggy bank
This elf is 66% creepier in real life.

And look how they're applying their powers of imagination:

According to this diorama: Ecuador is known for its cartographers (though the tools suggest architecture), inferior mortar work, and...nothing else. If someone can point to any deeper meaning, I would be grateful.

And if that crafty creation wasn't enough to persuade you of the inane and insane minds of the young'uns:

My heart hippo on a string
How many ball scarves could one person need?
I was wondering about that hippo on a string, but when I flipped it over everything was crystal clear. I mean, look at what we're giving our kids to read:

Chris Hansen does not approve.

It's enough to make even the superest mom lose her head.

I see what I did there.
 Well, when life gets too overwhelming...food.


If you're afraid of overindulging, you can always use a scale.

Only compatible with Atkins diet plans.

Or if you're afraid of underindulging, use the scale for appetite-stimulating herbs start the beers a-flowin'.

Red Lobster can haz beer club?

No matter how plastered you might be at this point, don't forget to grab an oven mitt when you remove your delicious Kwanzaa feast from the rack. (FYI: Christmas doesn't have sole rights to gingerbread cookies.)

Do you know the Muffin Man? Sodomy is kinda his thing.
Just pray that your feasting and binge drinking isn't followed immediately by a reenactment of Human Centipede.

Or the lesser known blaxploitation film Goose Centipede.

(Just so we're clear, the villain in Goose Centipede -- Jackson Sassafras -- connects all of their intestines, bypassing the three smaller ducks' esophagi.)

While we're on the topic of anal probing and exploratory surgery, I turn your attention to these yet-unidentified tools:

Neon colors make everything whimsical!
Before I headed home, I swung by the books. Three snapshots before I go ("Finally!" They sigh in relief).
What was I going to say about this?
Your Way to Success, sponsored by The Sopranos.
Well, of course they did!
Okay, friends. That was fun but a bit exhausting. Maybe one of these days I'll make regular blogging my thing. Until then, try to appreciate the fact that we just went shopping together for an hour. Come along IRL sometime?

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