02 July 2014


Pro Tip: When no blog title presents itself, smash your keyboard into any nearby object.

25 June 2014

Danube right here, right now.

Admittedly, this is so low-brow that not even kids are going to laugh.

Well, maybe kids at heart. (That's what they call old people. I'll be 29 in a few days.)

But I found something even gayer.

That's right, the album "Void where Inhibited" from the ambiguously homosexual dance troupe, Gotham. (I was both surprised and impressed by what I found at that link, so maybe I'll have to forget I ever saw this terrible album cover and give them a listen.)

With such songs as...

...this group is a winner.

(In other news, there is another album out there with the same title by a funk group called Belizbeha
But don't hit replay too many times because you might get a nasty surprise. (Unless you're into that sort of thing...)

I'd really rather not, thanks.


Well, whatever cup of tea you're craving, sip deeply.

23 June 2014

Picture Things

So I've been knee-deep in the a little consumed with lolcatz lately. (But none of that silly "cat talk" full of intentionally-misspelled words like teh and hai and kitteh. That's a disgrace!)  This sudden craving for feline photos is, in the words of the wise Fergie: "so 2000-late." Consider me a soccer mom who got obsessed with Beanie Babies last year.

But I digress.

I found the perfect art for my all-too-bare walls.

It's unclear whether this is Morris, the 9Lives cat, or some supermodel cat who lives in a chรขteau. Whoever it is, (s)he's brilliant.

I'm serious.

I initially approached this picture with a snarky why-the-hell-would-someone-own-this and today find myself approaching it with a dear-lord-why-didn't-i-buy-that. Grab a dry-erase marker and just make your own Lolcat on the fly. Let your friends jot down a lolcat greeting when they visit on Thursday night. Hell, let them draw penises all over it (don't think I don't know who you are).

So I've effectively established that "Morris Posing Sexily" (the official title of this photograph) needs a place in my house. Not so much for this next one.

What do Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz have to say on behalf of milk, you ask?

Turns out roughing up punks ain't really necessary. On account of most guys and gals hurt themselves by not getting enough calcium. So reach out for 3 glasses of milk a day. Your body will thank you. Especially if we don't have to tell you again.
Okay, that's a pretty nice slice of the late-'90s. If eBay's slew of search results to the query "milk ad" are any indication, the only reason I'm not seeing more badly-matted Milk advertisements in thrift shops is because everybody is hoarding them at home. (Is this you? You may need help.)

Now for a classic.

...Made considerably less respectable by the dated frame and the fact that the reflection of the fluorescent fixture makes her facial expression somehow more smiley. (I may have just added that last bit for dramatic effect. Or it may be true because I say so.)


Aw, sad panda.

I actually picked up this piece of trash admirable cross-stitched letter "C" with the intention of buying it for my friend Cheryl who is a reported beast in the gymnasium. (No, that's not a sexual joke. But it should be.) Someone -- ahem -- seems to have dropped it. That someone was torn for a moment between her dedication to the idea of "you-broke-it-you-bought-it" and her knowledge of "i-visit-you-enough-and-blow-enough-money-on-tchotchkes-like-this-[now-]broken-one-that-no-one-is-going-to-buy-anyway-that-you-can-just-let-me-have-this-one".

Is that a bad philosophy?

Maybe you prefer something more along the lines of "it-was-only-$2-which-really-doesn't-put-anyone-back-to-work". Or perhaps you would rather look down on me for it for the rest of our relationship (be it forever and ever or just until I put a period at the end of the statement that I'm eventually going to finish making right now).

Look down on me, then. I'm shorter than many people.

Well, folks, that's all I've got. Get prepared for tomorrow, when we'll look in on some pretty epic album art.

*Fun Fact: The word "folks" feels like syrup in your mouth.

22 June 2014


I met up with a friend for some fine dining at McDonald's.

I wasn't very hungry, so I prepared to order an iced coffee. But before I stepped up to the counter, I caught out of the corner of my eye...

How could I resist such an offer? I mean...*blushes and coyly looks to her feet*...you're so silly, McDonalds! Right here? Where everyone can watch us?

Well, that just makes too much sense.
Turns out sex is selling milkshakes these days.

And this Mighty Kids Meal box is thrilled.

20 June 2014

The Camel

I was looking through the t-shirts at a Goodwill precisely 64 days ago, and found this blue and yellow option. The color was vibrant, I knew for certain that it had never been worn nor washed in its lifetime. Suddenly, as my eyes slid over skillful embroidery, I understood why.

Poop®: Now Available in NAVY!
Turns out this unfortunate shirt was courtesy of Peeps®, the marshmallow treats most often experienced during Easter.

Peeps® brings you...Poops®!

Exactly 7564.2 seconds after I found that shirt, I located this piece of art.

Prints Now Available: Nowhere.

So what do we have so far? We have a t-shirt with a pile of poop embroidered on its front panel; we have an inspiration drawing that shows bare ass. What else could we need?

How about the plumber himself?
[Insert laughter appropriate to how funny you thought this progression was.]
[Possibly cicadas chirping.]

Now that I've reached the end of this post, it occurs to me how badly (if at all) planned my composition was. I picked three mildly amusing pictures just stuck them to a big piece of digital posterboard.

Round, Vacuous Holes

Recognize this gal?

Birdo's biological sex is irrelevant.
(I mean, look at that snout!)

My caption ensures you now have a name for this creature. Click the link above for more info if you need it, as there's no time for a biographical tangent right now.

Birdo's my character-of-choice when it's time for Mario Party, though I really can't point to a reason why. I'm sure a psychoanalyst could come up with something Freudian, but that's yet another tangent that'll have to wait for another time. (Comment section, mayhaps?)

Over the last few weeks, I've discovered that Birdo's unique mouth-nose arrangement...doesn't seem to be quite so unique anymore. Exhibit A:

"Fill me with your bath toys, battery-powered or otherwise."
In case you can't tell from this photo, this is a ceramic dog in swim trunks. This beachgoer has his head flung back in joy -- apparently thrilled that his tracheotomy went as planned and that his doctor cleared him to hit the beach. Yes: you are staring into the deep, dark hole of a stoma.

You can throw up now.

Exhibit B:

"Yee-haw! It's not Halloween!"
"Put something inside me. Candy...other things, whatever."

Okay, maybe this one doesn't qualify. Its gaping hole is on the back side. (Teehee.) But where else am I going to put this Halloween atrocity? Lord knows I won't remember this photo when the holiday comes around.

Exhibit C:

I'm a cow.

I am the proud owner of a dairy cow creamer pitcher thingy. (That's the technical term, I promise.) But I found one at Tuesday Morning [on a Wednesday afternoon] that seems a little weird when you look at it straight-on:


 Gaze deep into its hole.


It's like looking into a black hole. *shudders*

30 May 2014

These books are golden.

It's been a few weeks (!!) since I hit up the thrift $hop, so this is some old material here. Forgive me if the jokes fall flat; they were funny when I first found them so I guess they aged badly.

Walking through the Children's section of books ("just to observe"), I came across several Golden books. The first featured long-time gay couple Bert and Ernie:

That's where they keep the rainbows.
 I chuckled at the perfection that stood before me and continued to pursue the wares. (Looking back,  I kinda hate that I didn't buy it. Such is life.)

I couldn't have picked a better next title for the purposes of this argument. Hell, I didn't know this one existed.

He'd really rather we didn't talk about it.

Then came a slew of the worst variant of innuendo: puns.

Lying causes 4 out of 5 erections.

How about another?

"She likes it from behind." - John Smith


Sorry, I lost myself in that last caption there. Moving on!

Subtitle: "Little Miss Muffett's Tuffett II"
What does a mouse gotta do for a little respect around here?

This one doesn't really fit anywhere. Let me just stick it here.


And what's a girl to do with herself while her sailor's away?

Perfectly innocent. Available in 5 colors.

I can't say this is going to be a daily thing yet, because I'm pretty irresponsible when it comes to promoting my own self-interests (through the art of Blog). Robotics are easy because "Everything is Awesome" but I am not quite a die-hard Emily fan. Maybe with time.

29 May 2014

Good News, Everybody.

Fact One: PC died about 3 months ago.
Fact Two: Second car out-of-commission for the last 2 months.
Fact Three: I refuse to compose a blog post on a cell phone.

So I've been gone. But I'm still alive and, while my thrifting has dwindled considerably, I still have things to say. Be patient with me over the next few months, as you may see more virtual window shopping than you're accustomed to.

But for today, I don't even plan on window-shopping the Interwebs. Today is about stretching out my fingers and remembering how to type. Fancy new keyboard, Spotify spitting out some pretty nice jams (James Blake). Only problem is that I'm working overnight shifts for the rest of the week, which means I need to jump in the shower right about now.

Rest assured, though. I'll be back!

09 April 2014

Haircare: Who Cares?

Hairstyling is a chore. What products should you use? How can you fend off frizz? How should you style your coif? Even choosing a hairbrush is a tedious task.

Vented brushes, purse brushes, round brushes flat brushes...

(On second thought, maybe this choice is easier than I'm letting on.)

So you've got your brush. Now it's time to figure out what to do with your hair. You try two or three styles before succumbing to the fact that your hair rules you and not the other way around. 

Hell, just throw on a hat. 

08 April 2014


In the world of woodworking, there are complex, intricate designs...

(A composition entitled "Twigs and One Inflamed Berry" or "Whittlin' the Day Away")

And then there are simple projects for simpler minds...

07 April 2014

Arms or No Arms?

Which is creepier...

A. An armless bear encouraging hugs? (Though perhaps it's just sad irony.)

B. A bookend of an armed clown? (Can't sleep; clown will eat me.)

You be the judge.

06 April 2014

What the gourd?

I've been to my share of craft fairs and church bazaars. Old ladies cling to their steel change drawers and delusions of creative talent, peddling pompom atrocities and popsicle-stick terrors.

But you don't truly know crafting "magic" until you've tasted the gourd.

And now for a closer look at that skillful gourd artistry:

05 April 2014

I was in the midst of a monologue when suddenly a photo appeared.

I feel as if my best outlet when I'm feeling creative but don't want to draw attention to myself as I express my imaginative talents is blogging. So. Here. I. Am.
I realize that it would be preferable to have a blogger ("Indecision favors "bloggist" but that'll never catch on," comments the Critic.) who is here for the pure joy of blogging...but you'll have to take what I can offer you.
That being said, here some Bloggist Gold!

"Wait, wait, wait!" squeals Indecision.
"Hold on; wait for me!" Dependence demands (a minute too late and a dollar too short).

Please excuse my break from the acceptable genre there. I got a bit novelistic without meaning to. the intent to do so.
There she is, the window shopper with a hypercritical eye. Yes, that's right, folks! It's Mrs. Window Shopper!
I'm going to seek stimulation outside of my photo albums today and check out The Literary Gift Company. Shop with me!

I need these.
I need the e's.
I kneed these.
I knead the ease.

04 April 2014

Not half bad.

If you thought yesterday was funny, wait until you check out today's post!
(If you thought yesterday was trying too hard, today can't be any worse.)

I initially took a photo of this shelf because of the oh-so-appropriately-placed A Second-Hand Life. I tried to resist its perfect placement (that is, in a second-hand store) and left the store that first day, only to return a few days later to find it still waiting for me. The story was disappointing, not because the story was bad but because the author had been stretching for a really worthwhile overarching theme but it never really came to completion. (See also, the menage a trois tension in Thor: The Dark World.)

But now I find my eyes drawn to the amusing titles on the right side of the frame:

Mom, The Wolf Man, and Me

  • Mom's new boyfriend should really consider polishing his grooming skills. Maybe a pet groomer could give him some tips.
Women on Women 3 
  • The third installment of this series or are there three women involved in this scenario?
[...followed immediately by]

A Woman of Freedom and the King of the Wind

03 April 2014

Relationship Advice: How to Handle Younger Humans

I regret that I don't have a better photo of this shelf. Looks like I will have to narrate the tableau for you...

Damn, how I loathe to do that.


Be Mature: Childproof Your Home!
  • I mean, this just makes sense. Spend the money and get those outlet covers and cabinet locks because after you spent nine months carrying this creature in your womb and after you spent all your savings on diapers and formula and what have you, you can't imagine the thought of letting your investment kill itself by jamming fingers and toys into electrical outlets or tasting bleach for the first (and last) time.

A Student's Guide to Julius Caesar [and his] Desire of Ages: Boys!
  • If you look closely, you can see the subtitle of the book has something to do with "shaping" boys in some way. Definitely something Julius Caesar was into.

02 April 2014

Below this title line, you'll find a game. (It's not Monopoly.)

Autobiographies are great if you're looking to be inspired or if you've got a report to write for class. But it takes a little more than a decent voice and a creepy smile (not to mention a ghostwriter) for me to pick up your biography for FUN.

Enter Marie Osmond and Clay Aiken.

Look a little deeper and you'll find a matching game. Tell me, readers:

Which of these two "singers" is the Sociopathic Social-Climber and which The Mad Fisherman?

01 April 2014

One of my hands is great at hand tricks. The other one is always fooled.

This picture is from my old cell phone, so the picture is a little more...rustic in resolution.

Looking for Easy Hand Tricks? My favorite involves The Four Fingers of Death. I mean, there are literally billions of people on the planet; what's one less grain of sand on a beach?

31 March 2014

Who dares titter in that dark, damp corner?

"Who dares titter in that dark, damp corner?" The custodian's voice bored into our skulls, his resonating baritone striking fear deep in our bones. We had disobeyed his his eight-and-a-half by eleven warning -- a ragged piece of copy paper he'd branded in Sharpie with the words "KEEP OUT" and an embarrassing number of exclamation points. And we were now going to pay the price.

Non sequitir:


30 March 2014


I seem to have an eye for amusing adjacencies on bookshelves. The following photos are doubly diverting, as they were discovered at the same thrift store.

1. It's interesting how prevalent dictionaries are on this shelf. Have printed dictionaries gone the way of the printed phone book? This seems to be a non-issue.

2. After the Tassel is Moved ... there are surely Great Expectations to be realized.

While we're on the topic of tassels, I must confess to the Legacy of My Breast.

In other news, snap a picture of any bookshelves you found (I'll even accept staged shelves that you've constructed with titles at your home library), a quick joke if you'd like, and I'll post it here and maybe even remember to give you credit for it! :)))

29 March 2014

Book Week

So I'm starting my themed-blog week off on a Saturday because I can. And I am positive that the series of photos I have will require more than a week to share. So you'll just have accept that my week is not a traditional week but just a period of time. Which means I'm not really having a theme week per say...but rather, I'm having a conscious artistic period -- a la Picasso's blue period.

Let's make art happen.

Here's a picture of some books on a shelf:

Top 100 Baby Purees sounds delicious -- I mean, who doesn't LOVE the taste of baby?

Extemporaneous Unessential Bullshit

ADD is hitting me hard tonight. I was inspired to come back tonight because I went to the thrift shop yesterday and saw a few things begging to be belittled. (In this dark fantasy, I appear to be the sadist.)

(Tempted was I, to walk away
   to change to topic and pretend the steps behind
     were no longer visible.)

^^ But I keep getting distracted by my shiny cell phone...




THAT'S what happened in October. 
THAT'S why I haven't blogged.

Dear God, it's so simple!

I've tried twice to post ON TOPIC,
and two times have I failed.

I will not fail again.

Five months away to refocus...

...So it's been a while.

October 28th, according to the last post.

What happened in October that pulled me away from this blog? I skipped a Halloween party and moved back to the service desk at work, tried to get more involved in living life rather than criticizing it...

And that was fun for a while, but now it's time to remember what I'm good at and start bitching about utterly inconsequential items that I FIND (not "buy", note) again.

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