20 September 2012

I believe you can take me through the night

I've been stockpiling photos hoping that I'd come up with more than simple one-liners after stepping out of the thrift store. By my count, it takes about two albums to substantiate a blog post. So you're getting a few words on two for the price of one. (You're welcome.)

I had hoped to feature side-by-side lyrics of "Tuneweaving" VS "Dreamweaver" but Tony Orlando & Dawn's hit 1973 album did not feature a song so titled. I should probably note that, in naming this a hit album, I am NOT being sarcastic -- it featured the year's biggest selling song of the year: "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree." But the success of the album isn't going to stop me from laughing at the jackass who decided a cross-stitch portrait was a good idea. (Just imagine how long that sitting session must have been.) I'll bet the artist required complete silence to concentrate on her art so that she could hear a pin--

--I'm gonna stop me right there, before the dad joke has made its way into the world. Moving on...

More fodder from the '70s. I wish I'd taken a second photo so the glare wasn't so distracting. But then I suppose you'd be distracted by these two males (?) oozing sex appeal. Oh, how I wish we could go back to the days when men dressed like women and...oh wait, I'm lying.

Anyway, it appears that the Addrisi brothers are unaware that while a curvaceous woman emerging from body of water is sexy,  male disco rats coming out of a pool they likely cannonballed into fully-clothed while under the influence of one hell of a drug is just pathetic.

The Beegees knew this; how did the Addrisi Brothers miss the memo? (Though my internet search did place the Beegees close to a body of water...)

You've made it to the end of this post so I'm going to reward you with one more album cover photo. I've got shit to do, so you'll have to do the over-analyzing on your own. Keep in mind that the album below was the debut of two siblings. 

Good night.


(Yeah, you know.)

Doing Tupac justice?

So I've been lazy and undedicated -- exactly what employers seek when recruiting. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I'm in a rut and I should be less introverted and more altruistic. Rather than do anything to handle those concerns, I opted to phase out of society for a week and a half, during which I watched a shit-ton of How I Met Your Mother (which, regrettably, did not help as much as you'd think in trivia tonight) and watched Captain Jack Harkness make out with a whole lotta dudes.

I am officially a boring individual. Haven't even been thrifting for a week, as against-character as that is. So today -- after being pushed by a handful of friends -- I am attempting to return to the blogging circuit (is there a circuit to even discuss?) while inexplicably listening to Robin Thicke.

Part of me feels like I should tune Spotify in another direction...

What is that image gracing these fine sneakers on the Goodwill rack?

Yep, that's the late great Tupac. And of course, this picture has been emblazoned on lightly-worn canvas, a site truly designed to showcase his greatness.

Who am I kidding? This sneaker is spitting on Tupac's grave -- the designers apparently thought that Tupac was so lowly to have only earned a place at such a low altitude that no one would notice him. (Damn you, Critical Theory -- I'm thinking way too hard. But you have to agree that, were a single one of your accomplishments to be frozen in carbonite, you would not want it to be held in memorium on a piece of canvas -- or is it leather? -- gracing someone's stinky little foot??)

 Knowing no better transition to the next image, I will simply move -- sans segue -- to the blurb I entered into this text box as a mere placeholder.


Yup. "Ass" is the word I typed in between these pictures...which is obviously the best transition I could come up with to turn to a discussion of brand name. *shrugs* Sounds about right.

"Maraveli" (the best I can come up from my DumbPhone-camera pic) does not seem to exist.

So instead I checked out "tupac sneakers" ... and came up with:


and more

and hell, why not this

somehow this factors in

...But it actually turns out that the brand name is "Makaveli." So I found a few other cool photos (whose images I can't show here but will instead provide the textual reference hyperlink for because I cannot spare the bandwidth to host their img's):

Yes, I realize I should be using this portion to provide a list or a clause that depends on -- and, in many ways, defines -- the previous sentence:

First, I should mention that what I'm typing now bears absolutely no relevance to the previous or following data:

Enough of that shtick.

Read this.

There's something about a one-sentence paragraph that reminds me of 34 year-old bachelor living in his parents' basement, supporting his slacker lifestyle with the revenues from his windowless ice cream van.

And, were a sentence to be a command...that would be really wrong in a windowless van.

And I'm out.

09 September 2012

The end of a (Jersey Shore) era means the rebirth of the NJ tourism industry.

Figure I should get these pictures off the table before their recent cancellation is not-so-recent anymore.
I'll keep it short and sweet, both to keep myself from wasting time on this crap and to keep Jersey Shore viewers from overstimulating their brains.

Reading. Is. Hard.

So is trying to find a reason why this crap could stay on TV for 6 seasons. I think the only way I'd watch is if they did a season in an exotic locale known for its cannibalistic tribal societies. Hand me the popcorn.

So we're agreed: Jersey Shore needs to kill off the "Snookie" generation and start from scratch. We might as well go ahead and -- I'll be lenient -- reprogram whoever at MTV thought this would be a good idea:

You've wasted x hours of your life watching this show, oblivious to your liquifying grey matter. Surely you can spare another 2x hours playing this awesome game!

No, I do not know who would buy this game for $10. I am not sure I could even give you someone who would suggest it for game night, were it a freebie. (I suppose those people who can bear to drain 30 minutes of their lives by watching this show might care to waste money and time on this board game...but I have a rule to stay away from this particular demographic).

This being said (and me having tired of this topic three paragraphs ago), I must give a shout-out to the Big Lots employee who stocked the shelves before my last visit to the store.  Score.

08 September 2012

Go to Goodwill for a good time...

Last month, I wandered through a Goodwill and found a couple over-sized stuffed animals lounging on a couch. Their positioning was that of two creatures who don't quite know how foreplay works. (Though, if I must be honest, my knowledge of canine foreplay is not quite at Cesar Milan level, so maybe this is it.) I brushed it off as toys left behind by a kid waiting for her parents to finish inspecting the lightly-used khaki pants and Hawaiian shirts...then I walked away to inspect the lightly-used khaki pants and Hawaiian shirts. 

Not quite sure why I took a picture...

...But thank goodness I did! It turns out my local Goodwill is a hotbed of sin. Just yesterday, on my way to the book section, I passed a wolf that appeared to be studying his prey.

Having grown up in the '90s, I am not oblivious to the circle of life (Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba). But I had to be sure that the rabbit didn't have any little babies. My initial look showed nothing out of the ordinary...but wait! Was that a brown bunny peeking out on the left?

Not quite.

The scene that unfolded was a bit unsettling and left many questions unanswered. Was the wolf seeking a meal...or did he just like to watch? I walked to the far end of the store, hoping to wipe my memory of the horrible images I'd seen. 

Then I found this.

Now I'm all for loving whoever your heart leads you to regardless of race, religion, sex, etc. (Though it has been a bit difficult to watch Capt. Jack Harkness make out with everybody on Torchwood when all I really want to see is a hot, sweaty coupling with Gwen -- but I hold that that's not contrary to my previous statement when the writers have been hinting at it since day one.) 

But in the middle of Goodwill? C'mon girls, have some decency!

Hell of a bachelorette party, I'd say.

05 September 2012

A food picture's worth a thousand noms.

Somewhere along I-90 west of Cleveland, there's a whimsical candy shop whose name eludes me. (There were no windowless vans to be found so my aunt and I deemed it safe.) Inside, we found what you might expect from a shop on the side of the highway: tacky souvenirs and postcards, chocolate-covered everything, and some maple syrup from the "Kingdom" of Vermont.

SoCo has been known to lead overindulgers down a pretty rough path. Then again, so can NoCo (IHOP/WaHo/Denny's/Bob Evan's itis, anyone?).

But it's not really a matter of which half of the country treads the rougher path to (dis)comfort. The question at hand is "SEER-UP" (sɪrəp) or "SIR-UP" (sɜrəp)?

Which regional variety do you suppose is best with pancakes? 

....Were I to tote both kingdoms' offerings to an neutral breakfast location, could their joint consumption repair north-south relations? (Keep in mind that Waffle House has ZERO locations in VT and IHOP has only ONE so we might have to resort to McDonald's -- depressing, I know. But we have to be impartial in this imaginary scenario.)

In other news, I've decided that the abbreviated "SoCo" is particularly fitting, as this product is So Costly that I cannot justify owning it -- this 12.5 fl oz container was nearly $30. I will be hanging out with Mrs. Butterworth, thank you. (In all honesty, I won't even spring for a big name. I am, however, pretty big on store brands -- Dr. K and I are pretty tight.)

04 September 2012

T'was a bit overcast today...

Given that my viewership is currently limited to my inner circle of friends (which at this time is largely made up of musicians from Hubby's band), I thought it would be good for me to scope out inspiration for their future album cover art. Enter Tony Sandler & Ralph Young.

Songs include the ocular hits Angel Eyes and Spanish Eyes (mutually exclusive, apparently) as well as a trio of days: "Seven Lonely --", "Yellow --", and "In the Sunshine --".

So, Flannelites: A simple green screen can make this a reality. (Or we can just Photoshop the band onto one of the buildings in the background.) 

While you admire the photograph above and wonder where all the "classy" musicians disappeared to, I offer you a couple chances to stretch your mind...

Sunshine Days lead to _____ Nights.

Irony of a nighttime scene on the cover of "Sunshine Days"
 < or = or > 
Ironic appeal of this album & my (dare I say it?) hipster hobby?

Zombified Emily exhibits subpar reading level

Work was mind-numbing and I am more in the mood to listen to loud music and seek out new job prospects than to muse about stupid stuff I found on my last shopping escapade...but I guess I should find others' example and (rather than spend the day at home grilling out with friends and family) spend time looking at crap, encouraging money-hungry stores to stay open and keep their employees from enjoying Labor Day themselves.

Why yes, I am a little bitter!

Here comes...random photo from the gallery:


Actual book blurb:
Jack and Annie are ready for their next adventure in the New York Times bestselling middle-grade series—the Magic Tree House!

Are you ready for a presidential adventure?

Jack and Annie are! They are trying to get a special feather that will help save Merlin’s baby penguin, Penny. When the magic tree house whisks them back to Washington, D.C., in 1861, Jack can’t wait to meet Abraham Lincoln himself! But the new president is too busy to see them, as he is desperately trying to save a nation in crisis.

When Jack and Annie ask for some magical help, they go back even further in time to a mysterious woods. Are these the same woods where Abraham Lincoln takes his daily horse ride? If so, can an orphan named Sam help them find Abe? Or will Jack and Annie have to help Sam instead?

It’s a race against time as Jack and Annie try to do the right thing. Plus, they still have to aid a president and a troubled nation, as well as get the object that will save Penny the penguin!

A few thoughts:
  • More occurs in this blurb than in the entirety of Twilight.
  • Since when did Merlin have a penguin? And why can't he just heal the thing himself rather than resorting to child labor?
  • Since when was Merlin occupying the present-day that he could send kids BACK in time?
  • Why is it a "race against time" if Jack & Annie are time-travelers?
  • What is "the right thing" that Jack & Annie are trying to do?
The answers to all these questions (and more!) can be yours if you read this book! (Would LeVar Burton approve?) ...Though some of the other titles from the Magic Tree House series sound super exciting too! Where to start?

01 September 2012

Ignorance is ignorant, ignoramus.

I already had enough crazy on my bookshelf in my copy of Dianetics -- school project; promise -- so I didn't bring this book home with me. I unfortunately can't tell you anything of the inside of the book.

Oh wait, sure I can: BULLSHIT.

Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. (But it's still true.)

In other news, this needs to come to Atlanta.

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