Everybody, do the locomotion.

Gobbly goop.

Who needs an intelligible opening statement when you're me?

Okay, you got me: I'm lazy. Moving on.

If you haven't strolled through the toy section recently, let me tell you: that shit be fucked up.

Case in point: the Thomas & (suspiciously absent) Friends "Thomas at Pirate's Cove".

Before I get into my spiel, let me draw your attention to the placement of the apostrophe in the toy name. Apparently this cove only houses a single pirate...who is somehow able to maintain a large ship by himself.  In researching this toy, I discovered how this single rapscallion managed this incredible feat: a cannon appears to have destroyed the majority of the ship (check it). But now I'm left wondering how the pirate kept the shell afloat (especially with the added weight of a locomotive).

Returning to Imaginationland, where Thomas is on an intact ship...

What the hell is a locomotive doing on a sailboat?!? I'm pretty sure that if steam power is an option, pirates are going to choose that over sails -- unless there's a Windfinder available...but now I'm crossing my fictional(?) universes. And in the case that Thomas has been sent back in time to a world before the technology running his innards came into being, those seamen -- - what with their enterprising spirit and all -- are going to turn their barnacle-encrusted ship into a steamboat. Thomas, I do believe you're gonna die. If you're lucky, maybe your wonky face will be their new figurehead. 

If our little trip to the cove left you wanting more Thomas-time, check out his other offering:

The Thomas & Friends Phone.  It took me a minute to place this blue plastic monstrosity, as Thomas' wheels are missing and his face seems to be turned in the wrong direction. He's either a covert Transformer or got in some serious trouble with the mob.

And if no one else is brave enough to pose the question, I will: What the hell does a train have to do with telephony?!? If they insist on making this connection, they should at least use a rotary phone since the circular dial adapts much easier to Thomas' native biology (wheels or face, your choice). NOT TO MENTION rotary phones are as obsolete as steam engines these days!! Arrrr.

(Sorry, the pirates from the previous toy must have rubbed off on me.)

While we're on the topic of transportation devices:

Sure must be nice to have a job where you drop acid then brainstorm toy ideas. 

I'm going to act out of character this time and let you assess this bus without me (I can't do everything for you).

 

Okay, so I hear you singing "One of these things is not like the other" and I'm with you: Farmville is incapable of locomotion (though it's sure great at getting people to sit in one spot for hours on end). But I figured a hippobus led pretty well into a game entitled Hungry Hungry Herd.

 

Growing up in the Midwest, I caught a few glimpses of mealtime on the farm. Cows of all hide variations pretty much chew cud all day without any regard for the ticking of the clock. Horses are grazers too.

So my money's on the pig to win this thing.

After all this talk of hunger and transportation (as classic a combo as PB&J), I feel like nomming in front of a viewing of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Who's got a copy they'd like to share? (I'll bring popcorn and sarcasm.)