28 August 2012

Meow?


It probably doesn't help anything that it's 10:30PM ... or that Blood Sugar Sex Magic is playing right now, but the above shirt makes abso-fucking-lutely no fucking sense.

Let's start with the easiest to explain: kitten in a box. Maybe your cat whored around the neighborhood and you ended up with a litter of kittens you don't need. So you're trying to give the kittens away. "Free kittens!" You might shout to passing cars from your driveway. (Because that wouldn't be weird or anything. I mean, what did people do before Craiglist?)

But you figure, while you're trying to discard unwanted pets in a way that ASPCA wouldn't send Sarah McLachlan to your door to protest, why not get rid of that German Shepherd head you had prepared by a taxidermist after Fluffy died -- because who wouldn't give their massive dog a frou-frou name; screw with conventions and upset others' expectations (my chihuahua's middle name is "Balls Deep").Why your taxidermist opted to give it a pre-recorded cat voice I couldn't tell you (a big Billy Bass fan?) but that shit just ups the value of that stuffed head. Shout to those honking cars louder, I say!

But you've got a challenge in the third box: a voice from the depths but no confirmation that your assumptions are correct. Your mind says "cat" but your heart thinks there could be something else in this box that will change the world. Do you offer this box to the world or pull it inside yourself and coo with joy?

Pander your goods to your heart's content, but when the shoppers come, how are you going to explain the words which form the theme of this fledgling market? I mean, there's no punctuation to guide you. What could it mean?!

FLY PAINTED FEATHERS! As in, hey those are some supafly feathers you have!

FLY, PAINTED FEATHERS! A poet who's trying too hard.

FLY-PAINTED FEATHERS I imagine these feathers are supaexpensive. Have they devised some way of training flies to paint things? Are there human artists that use flies in place of paintbrushes?

FLY: PAINTED FEATHERS! A repetition of the first idea, but that colon looks so fancy. (A phrase only used once before in a rapey colonoscopist's office.)

The only conclusions I can come to with the closing of this post are:
  • Emily needs caffeine (or sleep)
  •  I should have bought that crazy t-shirt

2 comments:

  1. is there such a thing as a colonoscopist? or is colonoscopy just part of the panoply of things a proctologist does?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose you're probably right, though "colonoscopist" is a legitimate word. I suspect a person doing such dirty work without a break to...oh, I dunno, prod the patient's front side...would be rather depressing.

      BTW, you get points for "panoply" (though I suspect you knew that already).

      Delete

There once was a woman who lived in a shoe.

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