Who doesn't like a good how-to?

I was just saying the other day that criminals have it pretty rough.* I mean, they have to commit the crime and then evade the police. Phew! Help one out today by donning this amazing shirt. 

 
This image is located on the back of the shirt and is perfect viewing material for would-be muggers and rapists approaching from the rear. Not only do they get information on proper application of the technique; they also get a history lesson! I'm sure they'll thank your unconscious body (or corpse, depending "on the mood of the supplier") for the tips as they slink off into the night. 
  This shirt might be adapted for "Bro" wear aficionados -- just add some rhinestones and a gaudy design on the front panel. I admit that the technique may be difficult if the wearer suffers from Tree Trunk Neck syndrome, but surely it's worth the effort to thin the herd. #justsayin
*I never said this.