Potential(ly terrible) Gifts

I had some overtime to burn at work, so I wandered over to the Big Lots next door. Not nearly as many curiosities as I find in second-hand shops, but I've got a few to offer.

Someone must really need a caffeine fix. The question is, are they wishing for the red $29 model or are they shooting for the stars with the $39 stainless steel machine?

I realize women are quick to pick up on a man's scent and pheromones play a pivotal role in the...blah blah blah. But this is really bad marketing...I mean sexy musk? Ugh.

These snowman head lollipops look pretty yummy for snowcone fans and masochists with a penchant for anthropomorphizing spheres of snow and destroying their newfound humanity...until they:

1. Realize they're not actually snowcones
2. Get arrested/committed after mental issues lead them to decapitate Conan O'Brien or an equally white white guy
3. Notice the adjacent product

Yum, there's nothing I like better with my lollipops than dish soap.

Though I suppose if they can avoid options 1, snowcone lovers afflicted with pica might really get a thrill out of this new flavor...and masochists narrowly-escaping jail time just might enjoy witnessing others' pain while consuming this disgusting snack.

(We should probably add my name to the sign-up sheet for the mental hospital.)

Hungry?

 
...wait for it...

My second choice for the previous link was this picture, by the way.

Yes, that's a whole YARD of amazing Dansk cookies. And yes, I am hungry. 

[The timing of the next photo proves that the universe has a sense of humor.]

 Thank you, Lifestyles, for teaching the world what the shape of pleasure is (not square, not circle, not hand-shaped, and most certainly not vagina-shaped). I hadn't been so confused about shapes since square-peg-round-hole games in infancy. No, I'm not alluding to molestation; I'm talking about this thing (or was it this thing?).

One other point of confusion: What's a "relaxed" condom tip? Does that bear any resemblance to Lee's "relaxed" fit jeans? 

In my mind, I'm composing a photo of the various fits of condoms to match the main graphic on Lee's MENS page. 

If Lee's "relaxed" guy is Lifestyle's demographic here, I think I'll pass on the condoms (what decade is that haircut from?!?) and...

...Hell, I could judge all of these models here (why is the hipster most appealing to me for God's sake??) but I think I'll move on to the epitome of masculinity.

Yes, you read that right. Bieber has a singing toothbrush. In a few years, he'll have to grow with his fan base and put out a singing vibrator.

(Yes, I am aware that I am a sick puppy.) Woof.

Speaking of puppies, I found a Chewbacca sweater for mine:

Okay, so truth time: I've got 4 photos left to discuss and have plans to hit up The Hobbit (nice euphemism -- hit up the hobbit -- if I can find time to determine what it euphemizes) with friends shortly, so I'll have to cut this post short. 

I realize that to short you on a post during a week in which I've shorted you posts is pretty despicable, but I figure you have to come to terms with your beef (another good euphemism, with a much more obvious connotation) and you like picking my (almost-certainly atrophying) brain here, so...

...You'll be back.