I...love...springtime!

(Before he was a clueless gamer, CoCo poked fun at games Late at Night.)

I find that tangents are often best placed before the meat of a blog post, before the soup bowls are empty and the dinner guests have switched forks. Other times, I like a nice peppering of non sequiturs throughout a meal. How will I season this piece today? I suppose you'll have to sit down and suffer through the whole thing -- unless you'd rather skip dinner and spend your evening in your room, naughty readers.

[insert segue here]

So spring seems to have done that thing that tightly coiled wires are known for. It's time for husbands to mow the lawn and for wives to lounge around in the sun. As much as I sometimes wish the traditional gender roles still held, they do not. I am as likely to be pushing the Honda around the backyard as the Mister.

Much to our neighbors' dismay, we are putting off our yard's first haircut as long as humanly possible. It's not that we're attached to the weeds littering the lawn (a la a mother reluctant to cut her baby boy's curls), but more a mixture of unaligned schedules and a seeming inability to complete the lawncare quest in single-player mode. It would definitely be easier to get the job done if we had one of these:

I can see it now...just a few chords and your yard is perfectly groomed. Try a powerful guitar riff if you're not concerned with slaughtering the rosebushes; pluck out a classical tune for a more polished look. Grab Edward Scissorhands for backup and the two of you could do wonders to The Cure.

With all the hard work done outside, you're now free to play with your tools.

After you're through, wash your hands. Then check this out.

I found this very lightly-used toy table at Goodwill, suggesting that kids are just as freaked out by it as I am. I mean, the Cookie Monster Wrench is one thing...

Yes!

But what the hell happened to Ernie?

Everybody, do the locomotion.

Gobbly goop.

Who needs an intelligible opening statement when you're me?

Okay, you got me: I'm lazy. Moving on.

If you haven't strolled through the toy section recently, let me tell you: that shit be fucked up.

Case in point: the Thomas & (suspiciously absent) Friends "Thomas at Pirate's Cove".

Before I get into my spiel, let me draw your attention to the placement of the apostrophe in the toy name. Apparently this cove only houses a single pirate...who is somehow able to maintain a large ship by himself.  In researching this toy, I discovered how this single rapscallion managed this incredible feat: a cannon appears to have destroyed the majority of the ship (check it). But now I'm left wondering how the pirate kept the shell afloat (especially with the added weight of a locomotive).

Returning to Imaginationland, where Thomas is on an intact ship...

What the hell is a locomotive doing on a sailboat?!? I'm pretty sure that if steam power is an option, pirates are going to choose that over sails -- unless there's a Windfinder available...but now I'm crossing my fictional(?) universes. And in the case that Thomas has been sent back in time to a world before the technology running his innards came into being, those seamen -- - what with their enterprising spirit and all -- are going to turn their barnacle-encrusted ship into a steamboat. Thomas, I do believe you're gonna die. If you're lucky, maybe your wonky face will be their new figurehead. 

If our little trip to the cove left you wanting more Thomas-time, check out his other offering:

The Thomas & Friends Phone.  It took me a minute to place this blue plastic monstrosity, as Thomas' wheels are missing and his face seems to be turned in the wrong direction. He's either a covert Transformer or got in some serious trouble with the mob.

And if no one else is brave enough to pose the question, I will: What the hell does a train have to do with telephony?!? If they insist on making this connection, they should at least use a rotary phone since the circular dial adapts much easier to Thomas' native biology (wheels or face, your choice). NOT TO MENTION rotary phones are as obsolete as steam engines these days!! Arrrr.

(Sorry, the pirates from the previous toy must have rubbed off on me.)

While we're on the topic of transportation devices:

Sure must be nice to have a job where you drop acid then brainstorm toy ideas. 

I'm going to act out of character this time and let you assess this bus without me (I can't do everything for you).

 

Okay, so I hear you singing "One of these things is not like the other" and I'm with you: Farmville is incapable of locomotion (though it's sure great at getting people to sit in one spot for hours on end). But I figured a hippobus led pretty well into a game entitled Hungry Hungry Herd.

 

Growing up in the Midwest, I caught a few glimpses of mealtime on the farm. Cows of all hide variations pretty much chew cud all day without any regard for the ticking of the clock. Horses are grazers too.

So my money's on the pig to win this thing.

After all this talk of hunger and transportation (as classic a combo as PB&J), I feel like nomming in front of a viewing of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Who's got a copy they'd like to share? (I'll bring popcorn and sarcasm.)