12 April 2013

Secondhand Sex

These days, JT is all about dressing to the nines...but once upon a time, he brought sexy back. So why not brush off the dust, disinfect to high heaven, and consider those thrift shop purveyors who brought back their sexy items? No suits and ties here (though I just now decided ugly ties are going on my watch list), just a few things that make you go "eww".

First up, a book whose cover art suggests missionary is the only way to go:


The font alone tells me that this book was a dried-up (abstinent NOT by choice?) guy's attempt at broaching a topic in such a way that both he and his mother (living in the same house, no doubt) could discuss its contents without embarrassment. Way to make sex boring, dude. I doubt there are even any photos in here (aside from, possibly, a sketch of the vas deferens).

I've got to wonder: Was this book purchased for personal use -- some sod looking to score some extra tail by "studying up"? I imagine this tome had a place in his nightstand...right underneath a huge bottle of lotion.

 Maybe it was a gift from a sponsor to someone struggling with sex addiction?
 

Or, more likely perhaps, a gag?

But I suppose I should just stop creating backstories for this book when it's pretty damn simple to do an internet search and discover it's a damn textbook (currently on its fourth-edition) with pretty good reviews across the board. The truth is always less exciting than the world inside my head.

Here I go again, getting all analytical. All I really wanted to say was...
Yes, please.
I'll try to stick with the quick punchlines next time. (Note that I said "try" which -- if you've read a few posts aside from this one you know -- really doesn't mean a whole lot here.) 

Palate cleanser?


Catchy name for a bread machine cookbook. When you realize what you're actually looking at, your gaze suddenly drops to your shoes and you shuffle away to find an innocent book of recipes for your new bread machine.

Once again, I'm making shit up. This isn't, in fact, a book dedicated to Monistat customers. (You really think the manufacturer's lawyers would let that happen? That's like Philip Morris' president volunteering to sing a song with the tracheotomy cowboy in the newest TRUTH commercial.) I suppose there's a mention or two of the condition; but Amazon's blurb and reviews identify this book as an argument against including yeast in your diet. (Enough reason for this Carb Queen to shuffle away to the cookbooks.)

Moving on...


My monogrammed bag says EAR, so I can relate to the less-than-ideal initials. But this bag is good for only one thing -- a travel kit full of lube and sex toys. I suppose it's not a bad holder for a bachelorette gift...

So I guess what all of these "finds" are telling us is:


Not a bad idea, even if this message is courtesy of 1999.


If the genius who wrote the line "Chickity China the Chinese chicken" endorses the idea, I'm sold!


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