T-Shirt Rack Diving

One of my favorite racks in the thrift shop holds t-shirts. You never know if you're going to find six hot pink shirts commemorating the 2004 Johnson Family Reunion or a handful of brewery tees retired after a single night on a bar wench's torso.

Here are a few memorable finds.

Found this one in Size XL:

Might start by sharing that fourth hot dog.

And this creamsicle beauty:

Looks like somebody skimped on the translation job here.

And then this head-scratcher, merging two seemingly dissimilar elements:

"Business in the front, party in the back" sounds like a typical mob business.

There's really no telling what you'll find on the rack...

Power of Seduction

It's been a great night. From the moment she stepped into that overpriced Italian restaurant for your date, you could feel a desire to eat breakfast together stirring in your loins. Her infectious smile and silky voice only cemented that desire into an aching need.

But you can't count on scrambled-eggs-for-two; truth be told, you want her because she is not guaranteed. She's a strong, intelligent woman with high standards and there's no telling if you can hold in your idiosyncracies long enough to close the deal.

So when she slips away to "freshen up" in your bathroom, you quickly thumb through your guide to seduction.

Sliding this one on and off the shelf feels a little dirty. 

You're confident that by the end of the night you'll be engaged in illicit activities.

But you realize there are a few steps between now and then. Perhaps you should start with a massage?

Best review the chapter on massage techniques first. (Claude Serre)

Playing Ketchup

We all have bad days. Days so full of stress, disappointment, and despair...that our only solace comes at bedtime.

Apparently this tomato seeks refuge in dreams of his own sweet death...

There will be no sugarplum fairies dancing in this thought bubble.

Though I suppose when your corporate overlords praise overindulgence in their customers, you're bound to see honor in death by puree.

This also applies in some pantry organization systems.

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So this post was written is in fun, but if you're struggling to make it through the day PLEASE talk to someone. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open 24/7/365 and there is NO SHAME in asking for help (1-800-273-8255).

Hot Diggity Dog!

Yeah, so this joke has been run into the ground...

How to beg and how to play dead.

And yet i'm posting it.

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Because I found this:

Comes with a bowl for ketchup or the clotted blood of your enemies.

Spine Reading

You might say I'm a bit of a reader. (Though, full disclosure: I was a couple books shy of my 40-book goal for last year.)

I'm not picky -- I read billboards on road trips, storefronts in town, realtor mailers featuring the inexplicably popular fist-under-the-chin pose, etc. And when I'm near a bookshelf, you best believe I'm going to peruse the titles.

Hilarity often ensues.

So big it's 72pt.

Sauntering through shelves of books, I discover a strange juxtaposition of elements.

An authority on fiction.

And seemingly-significant adjacencies.

Bake poetry at 350°F.

Other times, it's a blend of confusion and intrigue:

Probes & Prayers.

But all too soon, my waltz through the words is over.

[Insert pause here.]

My attention quickly returns to my appetite.

Om nom nom. Repeat as necessary.

The Curse of Roommates

Humans are weird. Roommates most of all.

Maybe your roomie keeps himself barricaded in his room all day, only to start moaning like a dying cat around 2AM. Perhaps she drinks milk straight from the jug and keeps a jar of pickles underneath her bed. Honestly, there's no telling with these weirdos.

Apparently this same rule applies in thrift shops: 

Porcelain skin, porcelain heart.

Now I'm not one to bash on the goth crowd -- it might not be my thing, but I've met plenty of great people that subscribe to the counterculture -- but given the expression on her shelfmate's face, I'm willing to bet there's more to this little lady than a pale face.

Cellophane cannot contain this fear.

What do you imagine is this ghostly girl's backstory? Does she have literal skeletons in her closet?

Intimates in Hell

So I've been asked by two friends in different social circles to revive this blog. I've thought about it a few times before, when my reason against it was "but you'll just let it go dormant again after a short blaze of activity at the start". But even a flash of light is better than darkness, so here I am.

An undetermined amount of time ago, I was walking through a local branch of hell and found myself in the "intimates" department. Which, in a place like Wal-Mart, just doesn't feel right. Case in point, these panties that make me feel and warm and nauseous inside:

Why is there a mouth on my camel's lips? I feel like someone might get confused.

There's also this pair in blue:

Well, I mean, I guess that pairs wins for better wording. I am still not sure about the face sitting on my pelvic bone. I mean, face-up? Kinda rolled a natural-1 there, didn't you, Cookie Monster?

This last one took the cake, though.

 

Two things. One: What the hell? Two: I've heard of a mustache ride, but a unibrow ride?

Pottery to Display in your Basement

Found this lovely urn (vase?) in the local antique shop. 

But perfection takes time, so please be sure to take a look at the first draft...

Consider purchasing if:

• The Goonies is a favorite film
• You're trying to remove another person's creative inhibitions ("You can't do any worse than this!")
• - You have money to blow and have already ended world hunger with your philanthropic efforts
• - You need something truly unique to smash at a Jewish wedding
• - The ceramic clown hobos and masks on your wall just aren't creeping you out anymore

Footage

Classy like six-inch heels...

Caffeine

Is it Parkinson's or too much caffeine?

4:00 Meeting

Capoeira Ponytail Attack!

Our Hero

Pat and Cooper are lifelong friends.

Reintroduction

So you want to be a wrap superstar...

Throwback!

Yanking the Fountain until it Hirts

Owlgoidl

Pro Tip: When no blog title presents itself, smash your keyboard into any nearby object.

NSFW

 ...unless you work from home or are using your boss's computer.

Yaarrr!

Scurvy and Insanity Run Rampant!

Danube right here, right now.

Admittedly, this is so low-brow that not even kids are going to laugh.

Well, maybe kids at heart. (That's what they call old people. I'll be 29 in a few days.)

But I found something even gayer.

 

That's right, the album "Void where Inhibited" from the ambiguously homosexual dance troupe, Gotham. (I was both surprised and impressed by what I found at that link, so maybe I'll have to forget I ever saw this terrible album cover and give them a listen.)

With such songs as...

...this group is a winner.

(In other news, there is another album out there with the same title by a funk group called Belizbeha that is likened to Jamiroquai on their Amazon listing. Might have to check that out.)

But don't hit replay too many times because you might get a nasty surprise. (Unless you're into that sort of thing...)

I'd really rather not, thanks.

Derp.

Well, whatever cup of tea you're craving, sip deeply.

Picture Things

So I've been knee-deep in the a little consumed with lolcatz lately. (But none of that silly "cat talk" full of intentionally-misspelled words like teh and hai and kitteh. That's a disgrace!)  This sudden craving for feline photos is, in the words of the wise Fergie: "so 2000-late." Consider me a soccer mom who got obsessed with Beanie Babies last year.

But I digress.

I found the perfect art for my all-too-bare walls.

It's unclear whether this is Morris, the 9Lives cat, or some supermodel cat who lives in a château. Whoever it is, (s)he's brilliant.

I'm serious.

I initially approached this picture with a snarky why-the-hell-would-someone-own-this and today find myself approaching it with a dear-lord-why-didn't-i-buy-that. Grab a dry-erase marker and just make your own Lolcat on the fly. Let your friends jot down a lolcat greeting when they visit on Thursday night. Hell, let them draw penises all over it (don't think I don't know who you are).

So I've effectively established that "Morris Posing Sexily" (the official title of this photograph) needs a place in my house. Not so much for this next one.

What do Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz have to say on behalf of milk, you ask?

Turns out roughing up punks ain't really necessary. On account of most guys and gals hurt themselves by not getting enough calcium. So reach out for 3 glasses of milk a day. Your body will thank you. Especially if we don't have to tell you again.

Okay, that's a pretty nice slice of the late-'90s. If eBay's slew of search results to the query "milk ad" are any indication, the only reason I'm not seeing more badly-matted Milk advertisements in thrift shops is because everybody is hoarding them at home. (Is this you? You may need help.)

Now for a classic.

...Made considerably less respectable by the dated frame and the fact that the reflection of the fluorescent fixture makes her facial expression somehow more smiley. (I may have just added that last bit for dramatic effect. Or it may be true because I say so.)

Neeeext!!

Aw, sad panda.

I actually picked up this piece of trash admirable cross-stitched letter "C" with the intention of buying it for my friend Cheryl who is a reported beast in the gymnasium. (No, that's not a sexual joke. But it should be.) Someone -- ahem -- seems to have dropped it. That someone was torn for a moment between her dedication to the idea of "you-broke-it-you-bought-it" and her knowledge of "i-visit-you-enough-and-blow-enough-money-on-tchotchkes-like-this-[now-]broken-one-that-no-one-is-going-to-buy-anyway-that-you-can-just-let-me-have-this-one".

Is that a bad philosophy?

Maybe you prefer something more along the lines of "it-was-only-$2-which-really-doesn't-put-anyone-back-to-work". Or perhaps you would rather look down on me for it for the rest of our relationship (be it forever and ever or just until I put a period at the end of the statement that I'm eventually going to finish making right now).

Look down on me, then. I'm shorter than many people.

Well, folks, that's all I've got. Get prepared for tomorrow, when we'll look in on some pretty epic album art.

*Fun Fact: The word "folks" feels like syrup in your mouth.

Mc-WTF??

I met up with a friend for some fine dining at McDonald's.

I wasn't very hungry, so I prepared to order an iced coffee. But before I stepped up to the counter, I caught out of the corner of my eye...

How could I resist such an offer? I mean...*blushes and coyly looks to her feet*...you're so silly, McDonalds! Right here? Where everyone can watch us?

Well, that just makes too much sense.

Turns out sex is selling milkshakes these days.

And this Mighty Kids Meal box is thrilled.